Tuesday, 29 January 2013

How to make a sub-teen pop group


The keyboard player is the musician - he is the one who reads music, teaches the others what to play, tells them when to start and stop playing.

If there isn't a keyboard player, then none of this will be done.


The drummer is the one who owns a set of drums.

(Otherwise you have to have a tambourine, or maracas - or nothing. And hope that nobody notices.).


(The drummer and the keyboard player are the only ones permitted to wear a cape.)


The main or "lead" guitarist is the one who can play the guitar.

The rhythm guitarist is his younger brother.


The bass player is the quiet one (obviously). Ideally, he should play a bass guitar; in the real world he plays inaudibly on the bottom strings of an acoustic.


The lead guitarist is regarded as the most attractive to women - that is why he took-up the instrument.

However, if there is a singer, then he is the most attractive to women - which inevitably causes conflict with the lead guitarist, and leads to the break-up of the band.



FHL said...

I laughed. Especially at the last two lines.

robert61 said...

Well observed, though in today's world, or at least in my experience as the father of musically inclined young teens, instrument ownership is not as big a factor as it was when we were young.

Bruce Charlton said...

@FHL - if you look at the time this was posted, you can see that it came to me in a dream (from which I was awoken by a migraine at 3 am). @robert, yes, my perspective derives from the late 1960s into early 70s - as evidenced by the 'cape' reference.


Mr. StaticNoise said...

Having played professionally in rock bands and as a studio musician for over 30 years you have nailed several stereotypes perfectly. I would add that the drummer (once a little older) is likely to succumb to booze. The lead singer will impregnate several young women marrying none. The bass player will go on to have the best day job and become independently wealthy. The keyboardist will eventually join the church band as the musical director (because they will listen to him). And the lead guitarist, his looks having left him, will be on an endless quest for a louder amplifier because he can never hear his brilliance over the cacophony of the rest.

The Crow said...

The sax player gets artfully omitted, as sax players should. There is no place for them in such bands, as I proved, at my one performance as sound-man for the sensational Alex Harvey - er - band, at the Marquee Club in London. I faded him right out :)
It is fortunate that many of these bands you speak of break up, or we would find ourselves knee-deep in them.