Friday 27 November 2020

Peas for Knees - support my $100,000,000 Kickfundstarter campaign


The therapeutic value of frozen peas for the treatment of inflamed knees is well established in medicine; its roots probably go back to an ancient and traditional sacred art in Tibet, or somewhere. 

But, until now, the benefits have been limited by lack of awareness, inadequate knowledge, inequality of access, and systemic racism. 

That's why I have begun my Peas for Knees Kickfundstarter campaign for 100 million dollars to promote this vital therapy, worldwide . 


You are probably thinking... 100 million! What can he possibly hope to achieve with such paltry sums, when the problem is so huge? 

You are probably right! But every major worldwide operation must start somewhere - and I like to think of $100M as just the seed corn - or seed peas, if you will - which I will plant (each with infinite care and love) to aim for a much greater harvest of income, I mean therapeutic benefit, in the future. 

In other words; contributors should not expect to see anything much from this initial investment. In fact, nothing. The money may well 'disappear' like the drop in the ocean of global finance it actually is...

But to expect otherwise would be naive and anti-science. This is just the smallest of beginnings, of startkicks, of pump-priming, infra-structural thingies.


So just how do I expect to spend the money? How best to promote Peas for Knees? Where shall I start! 

First The Facts. I would begin with a worldwide investigation into best-practice and cultural differences in knee-pea usage - from the boulevards of Paris to the beaches of the Bahamas - I am prepared to travel anywhere that peas and knees are to be found together and five star accomodation can be booked in advance. 

Once a baseline has been established, then I can get my sleeves rolled-up for funding some solid and original research - so long as it is cheap. 

Although validated by innumerable Daytime Television personalities; the science of knee peas remains dismayingly vestigial. 

What size of pea? 

What density of packing? 

What is the best temperature for storage? 

Are peas significantly better than sweet corn niblets?

All these require newly commissioned research project/s; with teams of person/people in white coats (or photographs thereof), creative statisticians, and (most of all) skilled advertising copywriters. 

Before you decide how much you can afford to contribute - then double it; I would like you to think about an impoverished and crippled child in Africa, call him Ekon (which means strong... get the irony?). 

Ekon has no mother or father, is riddled with with horrible parasitic diseases that somehow don't spoil his cuteness; starving and without access to clean water or a deep freeze - he is looking mutely up at you with large and appealing eyes, a tear is rolling down his cheek and making a track in the thick dust consisting of dried animal poo... 

You can make Ekon happy - Now and Forever - just by paying me some money


I urge you to send your contributions, no matter how large, without delay - direct to La Banque (Secrete et Evile) de Suisse quoting the reference "KFS Peas for Knees... &etc." 

It will make you feel much better.


William Wildblood said...

Is that your leg?

Bruce Charlton said...

@William - I am white, male and sixtyone - and that leg looks brown, female and young. So... no.

But painful knees are no respecters of persons - and those of all races, colours, creeds, sexual orientations and planetary origins may be affected...

...And May Be Helped By Frozen Peas!

Hence my urgent need for more money; and the even-more-urgent need for people to give it to me.

William Wildblood said...

I confess I was being facetious. As a fellow sufferer from knee pain I sympathise. My cheque is in the post or would be if I still had a cheque book.

Bruce Charlton said...

@William - 'Sympathy' is cheap: not an adequate substitute for hard cash.

Hamish said...

Bruce you will have to create a line branded merchandise and start a media campaign to really raise awareness. Think of all the good you can fund with a 1000% mark up on goods made according to best in class, fair trade practices. Paid, grass roots activists can superglue themselves to motorways and climb tall structures, unfurling hard hitting banners. Their level of commitment will surely shock world leaders into committing billions and signing up to a global agreement.

A said...

I would recommend giving a TED talk & paying speaker fees to a former US president to really get those donations rolling in.

Wm Jas Tychonievich said...

So inspiring to see a successful person like you giving back to the community! I am literally shaking with admiration right now.

Stephen Macdonald said...

To think all these years I've been using frozen corn. My awareness has been raised already. My kickstart contribution is en route to Switzerland, just as soon as the paperwork on my third mortgage is approved (the previous one has already saved over a dozen polar bears, I'm told).

Howard Ramsey Sutherland said...

A new career! And the word is getting out - I've started getting messages in English and French from gentlemen and ladies in Nigeria and the Ivory Coast assuring me that if I contribute I'll receive $10 million tax free as soon as I send all my banking information...
That leg, whoever it's attached to, is almost certainly in Texas. HEB is the biggest home-grown grocery store chain (HQ in San Antonio) in The Lone Star State. Don't think there are any HEBs out of state.

Chip said...

You might want to contact the estate of JD Salinger. I have read that his diet consisted almost exclusively of frozen peas. There might be an interest in spreading the good gnus of peas for gnees and gnutreens.

Bruce Charlton said...

Chip - I've read a lot about Salinger, but that factoid passed me by.