As a young adult and into middle age, I seemed to have an unusually strong ability to focus on a particular theme, and stick with it; in the context of feeling very clear in my thinking and holding to the willed topic.
That ability has diminished significantly as I moved into old age (later fifties).
Initially I fought the changes, but gradually realized that there is nothing that can be done about this. Thinking depends on the body and its health and functionality - so its quality is not something that can be changed by will power - will power being, of course, subject to exactly the same changes!
Given my overall understanding of the nature and purpose of our mortal lives, I assume that these problems - and they are problems, pathologies, because they are dysfunctionalities - ought to become the focus of learning.
Not as things to be "overcome", because we are mortals in an entropic world and will functionally decline and die; but as stimuli towards a change of purpose.
In the first place - my thinking abilities when I was healthier and more functional - did not lead to spiritual benefits!
Indeed, by the early 2000s, I had thought myself into a pretty appalling spiritual impasse of the usual, mainstream type: materialism, positivism, reductionism, relativism, scientism...
Proving (yet again!) that ability (and power) is a curse when misapplied.
My sense of things is that when one cannot think with the same clarity and purpose, this signals the need to move towards less strategic, more here-and-now, purposes: in particular awareness, discernment, and repentance.
In other words, rather than trying to direct and control thinking in pre-decided directions; I ought to be more aware of what is currently happening in my thinking; aware that thinking is indeed (at some point) currently clouded, or perhaps blunted...
That I am Not currently conscious-of and engaged-with the environment (physical and social) and the world of spirit in the ways I want: the ways I regard as optimal (i.e. discernment is needed)...
That I repent this state of mind, and regard the situation as sub-optimal at best, and often evil in terms of being wrongly-motivated - e.g. seeking comfort, pleasure, rest, relief from suffering; rather than being creatively orientated to reality with love and in freedom.
I assume that what I can do, is also what I most need to do - here-and-now, at this point in the proceedings: i.e. to clarify my self and my intentions and attainment in an honest and accurate way.
And to be clear also about what, behind the unavoidable but superficial constraints of the mortal body and entropic/evil world, I most want...
Even though I cannot usually make myself want it - in the present time and circumstances!
1 comment:
Thanks for sharing on this topic. I’m into middle age now and the resources on aging (how to, what it is about) are so scarce…except ofc of the ridiculous “I’ve still got it and you can too” variety.
One of the biggest blessings in my life has been a series of head injuries that enabled me to differentiate my self from my intelligence. That said some other, much more tragic, circumstances were necessary for me to really get what God was telling me.
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